Republican Presidential Candidates: These People Need Drugs

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by Ed Rosenthal

gop 420

I took a few hours from my extremely busy schedule of getting high, playing racquetball, and putting the final touches on a few new books Marijuana Pest & Disease Control and Medical Marijuana 101 (pre-order both now!) the other day to watch the bizarre shit show that was the Republican Presidential Debate on CNN. Oh sweet Jesus. Sometimes, I cannot believe that I live in the same fucking planet as these characters, much less the same country.

Let’s quickly go one-by-one:

MITT ROMNEY

Mitt Romney

Did this guy walk off the set of a Viagra ad? He’s supposedly the frontrunner, but when you take a look at the competition, that’s not saying much. I’m not sure who can really relate to Romney other than extremely rich Mormons and men who appear in print advertisements for L.L. Bean. Probably the best Romney clip out there is this one from the 2008 campaign, which is video evidence of the first and last time Romney interacted with black people.

HERMAN CAIN

People keep acting like being the former CEO of Godfather’s pizza is a big deal. Has anyone ever actually seen a Godfather’s pizza? Are we even sure this company really exists? I’m the CEO of Quick Fucking Trading Company, do you see me go around talking about how I should be president? Don’t answer that. Cain keeps rambling about setting up an electric fence on the U.S.-Mexico border. If he gets elected I will gladly risk electrocution to flee this godforsaken country.

herman cain

MICHELE BACHMANN

Say what you will about their politics, a Bachmann-Palin sextape would sell 50 million copies. Other than that, this woman makes me feel extremely uneasy, like she’s about to either vomit on me or attack me with a screwdriver. She just looks like someone who requires immediate involuntary institutionalization. As evidence of this, I point to the fact that she claims to have adopted 23 kids, which is obviously something only an insane person would do. I think there may be a 24th kid locked in her basement.

Gingrinch fancies himself the smartest of the candidates because he’s capable stringing together a sentence longer than three words. I don’t know if that’s true, but he is certainly the fattest candidate. Also, what the hell is going on with this guy’s hair? He needs to release that thing back into nature before Bachmann tries to kill it and eat it.

Michelle Bachmann
newt gingrich

RICK PERRY

I mean, come on. Seriously? Hasn’t Texas done enough damage to this country? And they find the one guy who may actually be dumber than George W? Scary. It seems like he and Romney have some sort of complex personal feud/deep sexual attraction to each other. Either way, observe the two of them interact from a distance.

Rick Perry

I’m not going to say anything about Santorum because no one knows or cares about him. I’ll also lay off Ron Paul other than to say that his ridiculously oversized suits make him look like he’s shrinking before our very eyes while pointlessly lecturing us about returning to the silver standard or whatever. And now I shall return to getting high. You should too!

KEEP AMERICA GROWING!!!

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