By Jeff Seedbum
Who cares who the first man on the moon was? Who cares who won the Oscar for Best Animated Feature in 2012? Who cares who the President of Peru is? Who cares if the speed of light is what Einstein said it was? Who cares if Harry Met Sally? Who cares who shot Kennedy? Who cares why there’s no Welsh symbol on the British flag? Who cares about global warming? Who cares about finding a cure for cancer?
Ok well I care about that…but apart from that the only thing I care about is finding out who the biggest stoner in the world is.
It’s not obvious is it? Let’s look at the nominees and make a valid, objective decision shall we?
Music has inspired and transported many stoners over the years. So it may be where we will find the biggest stoner in the world. The biggest stoners in the world of music are clearly:
Hendrix — The world’s best ever guitarist liked a toke. No doubt. He produced incredible music and was high the entire time.
Snoop Dogg — Every rapper talks about getting crazy stoned all the time, but Snoop actually walked the walk and had to quit because he was so high.
Marley — The grandfather of cool stoner style was a fine musician and a reggae legend.
It seems like there is always a good stoner flick on full of hijinks, fun and laughter, so maybe the biggest stoner in the world is in a movie?
Cheech & Chong — You know them, you love them and they may just be the biggest stoners the world has ever seen.
‘The Dude’ Lebowski — He is easily one of my favourite characters of all time and is stoner hero of the coolest variety.
Seth Rogen — Love him or hate him, he is a self-confessed regular toker, who also regularly plays stoners in films. Check out Pineapple Express if you don’t know who this is.
Perhaps the biggest stoner is something literal (I should really know, I set the question), so let’s look at some stoner records:
Afghanistan — According to the official Guinness Book of Records, Afghanistan is the biggest stoner country on the planet. This is based on the amount of cannabis it produces and not necessarily on its recreational hobby/national sport.
YouTube — Biggest Joint — Trying to find the owner of the biggest joint in the world may have helped us find the biggest stoner in the world but there are just so many contenders on YouTube that I got a bit carried away and lost sight of what the goal was. So YouTube gets the record, by default, for the world’s biggest joint.
Let’s get serious now; the biggest stoner in the world award should really go to the person who had the biggest influence on the cannabis community. And the nominees are…
Bill Hicks — Comedy and cannabis legend. If you don’t know him, then you should, and when you do, you will love him. It’s just a shame that he’s dead.
Howard Marks — He is Mr.Nice: The Godfather of cannabis. He imported more cannabis than the UK has imported bananas (probably not true), stood for election to Parliament, had 43 aliases, went to Oxford and was a generally much loved man.
Probably could have worked out that he would win this before starting. Never mind…
Golden blunts all round!
Who do you think should have won?
Are you the biggest stoner in the world? If so, you are on this list…